Is that Undertone You’re Wearing Confidence or Narcissism?
Why does this concern you?
Confidence and narcissism are polar opposites. You're more empowered, protected and inspiring when you understand the critical differences between the two.
#1 Narcissism is a personality disorder.
Mayo Clinic states,
“Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
Image by Marta Tozzi
It’s a predatory personality disorder. This means they will harm you and your best response is to learn to protect yourself, discontinue contact and continue to build up your own self-esteem.
Meeting someone with this personality disorder is not an invitation for you to fix, help or heal them. If you feel drawn to this type of person, that is something to look deeper at within yourself.
Why are you attracted to people who harm you?
#2 Confidence is a source you tap into, feed, and nurture.
Confidence is a celestial river within that exists no matter how you feel about yourself right now. This is great news because confidence is therefore always accessible. It isn’t based on gender, race, hair type, city of origin, birthplace, or wealth. It’s universally inclusive. In fact, confidence is an accurate statement of who you truly are.
“I’ve come to learn that bullies and predators are essentially the same thing. Now, I’m not talking about predators in the animal kingdom sense. I’m talking about human predators who seek to exploit the vulnerabilities of others. Most people think of bullies as the street thug […] or the knuckle-dragging mesomorph in high school. But bullies can also be a deceptive family member, a manipulative supervisor or a malicious boyfriend or girlfriend.”
#3 Narcissists are predatory.
Your best defense is to become a counter-predator, or as Poumpouras shares, "[be] someone willing to defend yourself against anyone who tries to overpower you.” To effectively defend yourself, you also get to patch up the holes and kinks in your armor.
Again, if you find yourself perpetually allowing predatorial people into your life, it’s important to ask yourself why?
#4 It’s not your fault.
It isn’t your fault that someone has victimized you. If you’ve been the victim of abuse, predatory behavior in people, communities, or systems, this isn’t your fault. You can take the blame off your shoulders and away from your heart. Breathe. I’m sorry for your experience.
#5 It is your responsibility to protect yourself.
If you don’t know how to protect yourself, learn. Part of what makes a strong counter-predator is confidence. More specifically, someone willing to defend themselves. If you are more focused on the nurturing or healing of others at your own expense, you open up a door to your world. You let in shady characters who can now exploit you.
Your job is to close the door. Lock it shut. And open it when someone has proven themselves worthy of entering.
What do you do while you wait for such people to arrive?
You clean up your inner fortress.
You build your self-esteem.
You learn new ways of thinking, behaving, and relating that honor who you are and that make you a strong counter-predator. That makes you someone you respect.
People-pleasing, over-giving, and trying to fix others by being helpful is a vulnerability that leaves you exposed to people who will harm you for their own gain.
Don’t allow it.
#6 Selfishness is at the root of narcissism.
Selfishness is the attempt to put yourself first at the expense or manipulation of another person.
If someone in your life is putting their needs first at your expense or through any attempts to change you, they’re taking advantage of you.
It is not love, it’s harmful. It’s easy to believe they’re powerful, they know better or they have some special brand of love they’re withholding from you.
They aren’t powerful. They feel weak and small inside. They don’t know better than you. They simply act as if. They don’t have a special brand of love. They have a special brand of control, manipulation, and selfishness.
Narcissists are bullies. They are not the solution. They are a reflection of the problem. They don’t know better than you and there is nothing they have or can give you to scratch the deep itch within.
Your opportunity is to learn to protect yourself and manage your own vulnerabilities as an act of self-respect. To learn to stand well and thrive on your own two feet and draw a calm circle of arms around you ready for deployment at any time as necessary. When you reach this place, rooted in true peace, you’re dancing at confidence’s door.
#7 Confidence is generous and poised.
It’s a deep inner knowing of worth. Because confidence comes from a feeling of being at peace with one’s self, it also speaks to being deeply nourished. And, knowing when and how to set a boundary, remove people from your life, and take responsibility for your actions.
Confidence is about serving others because you genuinely care. Narcissism sees only personal gain in all scenarios and is willing to lie, cheat, manipulate and coerce to get it.
Confidence cares about the genuine well-being of others and demonstrates that through respectful action. They also care about the genuine well-being of their person.
If you want to know whether your actions are narcissistic or confident in nature, look at the source.
Are you at peace?
Are you fulfilled or is there agitation?
Frustration? Restlessness?
Depression?
Are you generous because you believe, expect or hope that people will do what you want?
Do you have a pattern of being surrounded by selfish or untrustworthy people?
This is worth looking at.