I didn't think that anyone read my work.

I didn’t think that anyone read my work.

“I used to follow you on YouTube, when you were shooting,” he commented on Facebook, during one of my many attempts to discern which of the 1 million social platforms would be best to get my message out into the world.

What was my message again?

“I’ve decided I’m going to be a writer,” Marina said. “Like, a real one. With my life.”— Marina Keegan. The Opposite of Loneliness.
 
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All of the happenings of the past 24 hours leading up to getting this book into my hands are somehow strangely perfect and sad to me. I sat, for a good portion of yesterday morning, trying to decipher which words would best describe how I wanted to feel in the world.

I wanted to feel good and didn’t, so fuck, I thought, let me try out some CDF’s. Maybe you’re familiar with this work by author Danielle LaPorte. Core Desired Feelings she calls them.

But I was at a loss for words. Words, it felt, put me further into my mind and out of my body, so how could I know how I wanted to feel if I was being forced to think?

GAH.

How do I want to feel?

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Episode 2: Bad Dreams and My Last Day in Panama

So much of my life I don't regret, even the craziest of happenings. But on occasion, even if it's rare, I step into situations, particularly with people, that I wish I hadn't. The sunk cost of energy, time and what feels like poor human conduct leaves a deep wound and scar.

Is there someone in your life that you wish you never met? Or was there a time when you felt that way, but maybe your sentiments changed? I'd love to here more about your personal experience. For me, people have been a favorite hiding spot of mine on the journey of purpose and art.

I love helping people and devoting myself almost unconditionally. But when the relationship is toxic and draining, it ends up taking from you in ways that are hard to replenish.

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Episode 1: I woke up like this (and the fear of being seen)

I'm not sure why it is that the work we feel drawn to yields so much resistance. It seems that we think the things we love most are the most impossible and pointless to pursue.

Why?

For the next few weeks, the videos will be retroactive and not totally in accordance with where I'm currently located. I'm playing catch up. For example. this video says that I'm in Panama and well, I'm actually in Montreal! That being said, I should probably talk a bit more about what this whole video things is...

After having chatted with a new friend in Panama (hi Stuart!) and rediscovering Casey Neistat, I felt compelled to bite the bullet and just dive into shooting without much of an idea as to what the final product would look like.

For me, diving into the path of the artist and really committing to blogging has been the product of ghost roads and phantom futures being burnt to the ground in the past year. If you've followed any of the my blog or Instagram over the past 6 months, I talk very openly about the state I was in after some major loss. I'm flattered in some ways by the Universe's insistence that I stand in my true power.

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Choose life paths with no clear ending.

The past few months have been symbolic, both literally and figuratively, of running down paths without knowing where they will lead. I'm decidedly calling it pleasure and creative research.

I'd find myself running up and down trails in Germany where the road would split and it wasn't clear to me where to go next.

One would think that running wouldn't feel stressful or that it's easy to run on trails because you simply follow the markers.

But sometimes the markers aren't easy to read.

Sometimes you want to go into the woods and off the main path and it's not clear how you enter the forest, how long this particular path is (if it's a path at all) and if it is a path, are you prepared enough to run the full thing? Do you have enough water, time (is the sun setting), or the proper shoes?

Once I decided it didn't much matter which way I went, and gave myself permission to turn around if need be, I began to feel more at ease with "making the wrong decision".

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Lalita Ballesteros
The universe is calling you.

There's a life inside you, a universe speaking, singing, stomping, hell, at this point maybe even dancing. But you won't hear her if you don't turn down the noise in your life.

Quiet the pandemonium.

Learn to be still, if only for a second (tweet).

Discover the real you behind the ideas, notions and limitation our minds subscribe to.

You don't need to travel to Europe or to Costa Rica to embark on such a journey in your own life. You can do it right now, right here, with me, today.

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Lalita Ballesteros
Do you want to change your life? Change your scenery.

As I get ready to fly back to NY, I'm already feeling fear set in. I want these good feelings and blazing insights from my past month or so in Europe to ride on.

I remember the state I was in upon leaving and I don't want to go back to that place.

Who would?

Flash back to San Francisco, close-up of me, on my bedroom floor.

Full on grief had set in. It was as if I was facing everything I lost only a few months earlier plus the "new" stuff too.

My grandma passing.

My dog, Luna, being really ill.

The end of my 8 year relationship, business and home in NYC.

Now boyfriend number two wanted space (and lots of it) and I was let go from my job.

I was in a state of complete shock.

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3 Magical Lessons from Traveling Abroad

I didn't know what to expect coming to Europe but more than anything, I knew I wanted/needed to shed a heavy heart.

[FYI: I'll be posting more pics/stories/insights to come. Sign up for blog updates here and follow me on Instagram to stay in the know.]

The best part of this trip, though? The journey isn't over.

Upon moving to San Francisco a year ago, without fully realizing it, I stopped nourishing myself. For almost an entire year, I was starving myself of creativity, physical movement, sacred spaces and deep, healthy connections.

Gifting myself a trip throughout Europe has begun to turn that around for me and fast. I'm learning to lead with what I love and need, and discovering through much trial and error. Below are some of my key lessons thus far.

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Let It Go: How Unicorn-Loving Hippies Saved My Life

I began a daily meditation and journaling practice in December of 2014 as a way to save myself from moderate — to at times crippling— anxiety, sadness and racing thoughts.

Meditation has allowed me to sit with the ugly, hairy emotions we prefer to excuse from the dinner table: jealousy, rage, self-hate and impulsiveness to name a few. It’s shone a light on the inner workings of much of our self-imposed madness to find the serenity that all these hippie books talk about.

You know the ones I’m talking about.

The author’s name is Shakti Sutra. She’s probably wearing anything but a bra and if the book were a scratch and sniff, the sniffing part would be on her armpit and yep, you guessed it, it would smell about as natural as “I do not believe in deodorant” gets. The design? At best a throwback from the 1980's, but without that Buzzfeed, Urban Outfitter, “this is kind of cool” way.

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Do you feel fat when you work out?

We spend most of the day mesmerized, taunted and eluded by the endless chatter in our minds. Most of us don't realize this as we take the mind talk (our thoughts) for who we are.

Sometimes the internal conversation is nice and other times it’s downright cruel.

The cruel days can be the hardest.

“You’re fat! You look old and old is bad. Why can’t those jeans fit you the way they fit your sister. She was always the prettier one anyways. Fatty, fat, fat!”

I think I spent most of my 28 years here on earth hating myself, which is interesting to note. The part that hated “me” is also the same part that loved “me”.

We laugh when we see dogs barking at their reflection in the mirror. Silly dog, we think. Can’t they see they are barking at their own reflection?

Humans are not so different, which is evident by the nature of this question.

Can’t we see our love/hate relationship with our own reflections? Reflections, by definition, are embodiments or representations of something else; but, of what?

Unlike the pooch that may forget that the “sliding glass door dog” was ever there, our bodies and nervous systems remember the impact of the endless, and at times violent, tauntings of our mind. Over time, we take the thoughts in our heads as some sort of truth.

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Are your desires superficial?

It's been a while, beautiful people. I'm sorry I've been gone so long. It's been almost a year since I last wrote you and wow, hasn't my entire world changed in the past 12 months?

Has it been crazy for you too?

In the course of all of these profound shifts, I needed time to myself. To purge. To grow. To move. To reflect. To sit with the painful reality of bidding a previous life goodbye.

Can you relate?

Moving forward, I'm changing how I approach this blog. For a while, I felt trapped in talking only about sales and marketing. While these topics are near and dear to my heart, there are other areas in life I want to explore with you.

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Are you the reason you're unhappy?

“When you grow, you will discover that you defended lies, you cheated yourself or suffered for foolishness. If you’re a good soldier, you won’t blame yourself for that, but nor will you allow that these mistakes repeat themselves.” 

– Pablo Neruda

 

Part of the pain, I think, in growing in consciousness, in becoming more attuned to our actions, is to realize “the lies we defend” and in some form or another, discover that we have in fact cheated ourselves, as Mr. Neruda so poetically points out. That it wasn’t external circumstances or the infamous “other person” that constructed this present moment, and that we truly are the master weavers of our fates.

Like that of a tiny spider.

No, lamenting, it wasn’t the mailman, your boss or the dick neighbor who lets their dog sh*t on your lawn every day that got you here.

It was your own two feet that walked you to where you are today.

And while I say this with conviction, I also say it with compassion.

There’s no one to blame here, not even you.

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