The Way Through - Learning to lead when you don’t know the way
“This is way harder than I thought. But maybe the way to learning [how to do this] is through.”
The Meany Inside
Today, I was scheduled to meet with my animators and storyboard artist for the short animated film we’re developing, Choosing Life.
But—and that’s a large but—I’m getting my period in a few days, and my thoughts were of a particularly negative breed, fueling insecurity like gasoline on an ever-growing fire.
“You should quit.”
“Why did you ever think you could do this?”
“You’re a sh*t storyteller.”
“Not knowing and not having the answer is bad. You’re a crap leader and they’ll see that and leave, quit, bye!”
The absence of my soul pup, who transitioned into another realm a month ago, weighed heavily in my space. I kept thinking I’d step on her or look for her, only to realize she was physically gone.
And I was irked by constantly going to parties where I’m the only single person amidst couples and people with kids—or wanting them in the near future. Royally over it.
A Little Wisdom
But then a bit of wisdom spat out at me in my journal:
“This is way harder than I thought. But maybe the way to learning [how to do this] is through.”
I can’t make my dog rise from the dead the way Owens sisters raises Gillian’s dead boyfriend from the grave in Practical Magic (to be frank, that didn’t go so well for them).
Practical Magic (Film, 1998)
Moreover, it’s this almost constant gnawing feeling that I have to know and do it on my own that was remedied only by action—stepping into a creative space with a bit more heart, a few key questions, and not much attachment to how it ended up. I threw out the rigid consultant’s plan of yesteryear and showed up with curiosity.
Showing Up Anyway
My wish for this project, and for anyone endeavoring to bring their voice to the world with a team, is first: pick stellar collaborators. This matters immensely. I’m still not entirely sure why they chose to do this project, and I’m honored to be part of the magic.
My second wish: give yourself a break.
The voice that echoes in my mind’s corridors can be ruthless and sadistically persuasive, trying its best to convince me that my ideas are horrible, no one likes me, and that I should quit.
Two hours later, in the midst of creative flow, chit-chat, and collaboration, we had made huge progress answering questions around environment and character design—with loads of references to boot. It was fun!
When You Don’t Know
Had I succumbed to the meany inside, I would’ve canceled the meeting and pouted about my dead pup. Here’s to taking that voice less seriously and protecting the deeper commitment—even, and especially, when you just don’t know.
The only way through this might just be learning to trust and embrace the vulnerability of leading alongside fellow creators, rather than out front and ahead.
Touché.
More to come.