I began reading Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown and her words today reminded me of the urgency to root into the depths of who I am and write my story as an act of leadership. And as Maya Angelou would say, "[...] for I shall not be moved".

I wince at diving into the details of my life, the tense places of my past that speak of fallibility and humanity, but I also understand that stories teach in ways that tactics cannot.

Below is an excerpt from my drafts where I begin to share more of my story as a form of leadership, vulnerability, and teaching. My intention is that I get out of the way and give you what you need to thrive.

Here we go...

My mom worried about my father's drinking a lot. The men in my family were often irate, hateful, and violent. Punching holes in walls, learning to verbally fight, and walk on eggshells, was not uncommon. But most of all, they loved to drink.
The women stayed through D.U.I.s, multiple infidelities, molestation accusations, and active alcoholism. No one recovered, and everyone kept secrets. This is the cunning and baffling power of alcoholism.
We, as kids, tried to bridge the invisible gaps that terror, shame, denial, mental illness, addiction, and abandonment created. But, a bridge to what and where? I would later learn I was heading home to Self, to the Truth.

My biggest lesson outside and from within the wells of authenticity is Truth. These two notions, expressions, and doctrines of humanity are inseparable. As a favorite book of mine states, "lack of power, that was our dilemma."

But where do we turn for power? Does power not corrupt? Is what we're seeking outside of ourselves, or can it be squarely found within our most sacred spaces, unheard yet by the quarreling public and baffling to those who don't understand the cry, but valid, nonetheless true? Because it beckons a sincerity that few are willing to commend or submit to.

The price of gravity is honesty. And this is where my story continues.

Dishonesty is a fast and sharp slippery slope for me, and I still fear the radical honesty that comes from an ability to see others. The second I breadcrumb my way towards extreme diplomacy, people pleasing or following a crowd I don't value, and swallowing what I know, I'm in a debilitated and diminished position. I must jump over the fear and lead with Truth, but the cost is releasing control over the outcome. This is a constant practice.

I see across the board that individuals who complete #TruthSessions become a raw and tender awareness of who they are. Post-session, fear often creeps up, and they worry that who they are will be unacceptable or implausible in the "real world." Moreover, they tangibly experience an undeniable link between their most incredible trauma and powerful gift.

Living in the problem, the negativity or bad vibes as you would have it, is sticking around in the muck, hoping it transforms into confetti and popcorn. It's an earnest if not misguided attempt to get to joy by way of playing in other people's shit, and while poop most certainly colors the way to your destiny, it becomes an obstacle when you refuse to clean up your side of the street or focus on yourself; honestly, look at your life and speak the Truth. Your Truth.

Truth is always rooted in the most profound wisdom of your human experience. It's all-encompassing of your pain and suffering, but instead of living from a place of separation and turmoil, it seeks higher ground. It acts as a light in the dark. It's rooted in compassion. It's who you are when no one is looking, and you fear not that you'll perish if you say the unthinkable.

Your Truth, if you're willing to find it and live by it, is medicine, firstly for you and then for others. It's a guide and not easy, but fulfilling. It's energy and a feeling before form or words.

I sometimes unintentionally hide behind my expertise or dove into the deep wells of emotion and heartbreak in the past. I think the gift is the balance to bridge those two spaces with wisdom. This can only come from the heart, and the token key to entry is Truth. I'm commanding greater Truth from myself by stating this.

Truth is love. It is everything, and nothing, and it overpowers fear. It's home, connection and foresight.

You may be wondering if you have a truth.

You do, but you must go find it and, once found, build the bravery to follow its whims and fancy. It lives with The Big Voice Inside, both of which are feared as they poke at, "I'll be alone forever if I do/say/be that!"

No. I say you may already be alone because, if you're like my former self, you dwell in a fairyland constructed of other people's beliefs, locked out of your own body and inherent power due to a steady diet of fear, distrust, and resentment.

You can choose to be free, but most do not want to pay the price. The admittance fee is Truth, and the echo it resounded in is love. And the hometown anthem is The Big Voice Within. The space in between is life, and it dwells within you.

Go home now.

I never did well with elephants in the room, but the elephants in my childhood life were so big. They took the shape of my caretakers and people I loved. My cousins were my world, and I was torn between loving too much, feeling estranged from, and equally fearing them in some respects.
Feelings were an enemy in my family and an invitation to be bullied. Success was admired, and drinking was regular. Deep down, I thought I was simultaneously worthless and better than my family members. This arrogance and self-depreciation were two sides of the same coin: fear.
But my language existed in feelings, seeing the unseen and a powerful inner knowing. I could see, but I was told to be quiet. Sharing what I knew was not only against the rules; it was ostracizing and would be denied, mocked or rebuked.
I made it up.
There was no drinking problem.
My cousins weren't suicidal, alcoholic, or drug addicts.
They'll grow out of it.
You don't grow out of trauma or addiction. And if you're wondering what happens next, it's called facing the demons and healing or dying a slow death where you never know your true nature and authenticity eludes you.
Confusion befuddles your best efforts, and the gnawing terror that if people knew who you really were, they'd hate you sings its siren song. I know this because I lived both sides of this path in my own way and watched many others live it in their own way. The kicker is that success is dependent upon authenticity.
True success is to be authentic and authenticity is imprisoned by addiction, trauma and an obsession with external outcomes. You can be married to a model, make multi-millions of dollars, achieve fame or notoriety and feel absolutely empty on the inside. Why?
You're not home within yourself. You don't know who you are and use those additional elements to fill the big hole inside. You have yet to sing a single note from that sacred place within.
You don't yet know or live your Truth.

Lack of Power, That Was Our Dilemma.