[D2] Jersey Gators, Capri Suns and Toe Nails.

[This is part of a 30 day, comedic writing challenge entitled Advice For The End Of The World. Receive all 30 days of humor here: http://bit.ly/1oRW0Sj]

Background: Meet Ronalda. She’s 52, Jewish Italian, and unsure about everything except Capri Suns and toe nails. Enter Ronalda…

I’m nervous.

About everything.

I stopped using nail clippers because I feared I’d sever a toe.

My mother told me as a child I had vulnerable baby toes. They were weak and ill prepared for the world at large. If I wasn’t careful, she cackled, a gator would snatch one right up.

We lived in Jersey.

I got to feeling that my mother was stuck in the 90's. Always sippin’ on those damn Capri Suns she got from the bodega, as if that made her cool.

“Mom that’s cool when you’re 10. You’re like 60,” I’d say.

She just cackled away, throwing the empty Capri Sun packs at me while she sun bathed, like she was a professional card thrower, telling me to watch out for that baby toe.

But she wasn’t. Not even close.

Fifty two came fast. Not as fast as a 19 year old boy, but you know, fast enough to question if Einstein was onto some shit with his theory of relativity. Got me wishing I would’ve bagged Einstein.

I decided two things in the year leading up to 52.

One: Fuck Capri Suns.

Two: It was toe time; my own personal revolution against the patriarchy and my Capri Sun AA mother. Some people work out their pecs and add to their physical strength. Meh, that’s one way to look at it. But what I needed wasn’t a strong offense, but rather a strong defense.

So I just said fuck it to general foot hygiene.

Sitting in that nail salon that fond Sunday, the tiny Asian women trying to file my toes, I glanced at the T.V.

Bombs of light were flashing all over the screen. The meteors, it seemed, had already begun to strike from the sky. We knew Jersey was an obvious first place to bomb with the lack of intellectual property and all.

But bombs or no bombs, these ladies weren’t ending their work day on the account of a little fire.

“Ohhh, that? Haha you so funny. No. That ok. I fight wild tiger in my sleep. I have 4 children. I file your toe. Fire no scare me.”

In that moment, I realized I was with fellow warriors and that until the store was incinerated and even then, they wouldn’t leave my toes. They might just take my ass out on the street and finish up.

I pledged my eternal loyalty to them in that moment. We would be a United Nations, Jersey-based alliance of sorts. I would die with dignity.

I glanced outside. I saw cars exploding. The world was melting before me and simultaneously moved in slow motion. Suddenly, I hear a loud noise to my left.

Vanessa, my nail lady, is screaming.

It’s a gator.

He’s staring Vanessa straight in the eyes and gaining ground on her, fast.

There are moments in your life you believe are destiny.

Capri Suns, crazy moms and vulnerable baby toes.

I glanced down at my feet. Was I ready? Was I not the sister to Edward Scissorhands? Was I not the infamous “Eddie” of the Jersey Shore? Did I not go fishing in Barbados with just my bare feet?

Does this gator know who the fuck I am!?

I was packin’ daggers. Weapons. The Grim Reaper in toe form.

Oh yes, I smiled. This is destiny.

The gator made a lunge for Vanessa’s throat and in the blink of an eye, or maybe it was really more like 3–5 minutes, I swiftly leapt from my chair and karate kicked that gator in the eye.

One nail.

One eye.

One very unhappy gator.

The salon cheered as the gator’s face fell from my foot, defeated.

Upon closer inspection, we realized the gator was really Mr. Wan’s shitzu in a high-end alligator-skin hoodie.

Meh, I thought. We never liked that f**kin’ dog anyways.

All is fair in love and war and this.. well this was the end of the world.

Advice for the end of the world: Forego cutting your toe nails. Long nails serve as both weapons of mass destruction and bougie animal control.

[This is part of a 30 day, comedic writing challenge entitled Advice For The End Of The World. Receive all 30 days of humor here: http://bit.ly/1oRW0Sj]