Posts in blog
Sometimes I don't know which way to go

I feel as if over these past few months, I've transformed into a new person. Maybe in many ways I have.

It would have been cool to have turned into one of those trolls from the early 90's. Or maybe Storm from X-Men. But alas, I am left, it seems, with a newer, lighter version of myself.

I have a new name.

A new way of being.

A new business.

A new YouTube show.

And I've reunited with my pup.

Shit, I'm even dating on Tinder (wtf?!).

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Episode 4: Back to NYC, Visiting Seth Godin and The Domino Crew

Where are we headed? Where are we going? And what does it mean "to go back"?

These are the questions I was contemplating as I sat in Yonkers, only days after leaving Panama, on my way to Hastings-on-Hudson to visit friend, mentor and past boss, Seth Godin.

At the time, I had just gotten back from Panama and was contemplating living outside of NYC. Thus, I rented an Airbnb in Yonkers for a few days to see what the outskirts of the Big Apple felt like and hence, the concept of "returning" and what that truly means in the context of being present.

One of the most profound and sticky lessons that I've taken from working with Seth is the importance of trust in all that we do.

That the currency we are really exchanging in life and business is that of trust. (tweet it)

It's trust that brings people in and out of our lives. It's trust that keeps people around for the long haul and as he states here,  it's that which "allows me to do the next project".

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Do you want to change your life? Change your scenery.

As I get ready to fly back to NY, I'm already feeling fear set in. I want these good feelings and blazing insights from my past month or so in Europe to ride on.

I remember the state I was in upon leaving and I don't want to go back to that place.

Who would?

Flash back to San Francisco, close-up of me, on my bedroom floor.

Full on grief had set in. It was as if I was facing everything I lost only a few months earlier plus the "new" stuff too.

My grandma passing.

My dog, Luna, being really ill.

The end of my 8 year relationship, business and home in NYC.

Now boyfriend number two wanted space (and lots of it) and I was let go from my job.

I was in a state of complete shock.

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Let It Go: How Unicorn-Loving Hippies Saved My Life

I began a daily meditation and journaling practice in December of 2014 as a way to save myself from moderate — to at times crippling— anxiety, sadness and racing thoughts.

Meditation has allowed me to sit with the ugly, hairy emotions we prefer to excuse from the dinner table: jealousy, rage, self-hate and impulsiveness to name a few. It’s shone a light on the inner workings of much of our self-imposed madness to find the serenity that all these hippie books talk about.

You know the ones I’m talking about.

The author’s name is Shakti Sutra. She’s probably wearing anything but a bra and if the book were a scratch and sniff, the sniffing part would be on her armpit and yep, you guessed it, it would smell about as natural as “I do not believe in deodorant” gets. The design? At best a throwback from the 1980's, but without that Buzzfeed, Urban Outfitter, “this is kind of cool” way.

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Do you feel fat when you work out?

We spend most of the day mesmerized, taunted and eluded by the endless chatter in our minds. Most of us don't realize this as we take the mind talk (our thoughts) for who we are.

Sometimes the internal conversation is nice and other times it’s downright cruel.

The cruel days can be the hardest.

“You’re fat! You look old and old is bad. Why can’t those jeans fit you the way they fit your sister. She was always the prettier one anyways. Fatty, fat, fat!”

I think I spent most of my 28 years here on earth hating myself, which is interesting to note. The part that hated “me” is also the same part that loved “me”.

We laugh when we see dogs barking at their reflection in the mirror. Silly dog, we think. Can’t they see they are barking at their own reflection?

Humans are not so different, which is evident by the nature of this question.

Can’t we see our love/hate relationship with our own reflections? Reflections, by definition, are embodiments or representations of something else; but, of what?

Unlike the pooch that may forget that the “sliding glass door dog” was ever there, our bodies and nervous systems remember the impact of the endless, and at times violent, tauntings of our mind. Over time, we take the thoughts in our heads as some sort of truth.

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Are your desires superficial?

It's been a while, beautiful people. I'm sorry I've been gone so long. It's been almost a year since I last wrote you and wow, hasn't my entire world changed in the past 12 months?

Has it been crazy for you too?

In the course of all of these profound shifts, I needed time to myself. To purge. To grow. To move. To reflect. To sit with the painful reality of bidding a previous life goodbye.

Can you relate?

Moving forward, I'm changing how I approach this blog. For a while, I felt trapped in talking only about sales and marketing. While these topics are near and dear to my heart, there are other areas in life I want to explore with you.

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