True love is eternal.
Love and life seem to make more sense in hindsight. As I was walking the dog this morning, I reflected on love, the men in my life, and where I was at emotionally. Costco is where I was at, figuratively speaking.
“He spent the entire day at Costco. Really? Is that even a thing?”
After forty-five minutes of walking, rambling and spring cleaning the inner workings of my mind, I took notice of a small, subtle and consistent voice that whispered from the corners of my deepest desires. Her song was the same. Her tone melancholy, matter-of-fact and frank.
“Nothing good ever lasts.”
Ugh. B!tch. She even had the audacity to rock resting-b!tch-face like a queen. She was as simple and commonplace as the marks on your living room wall that gather over time. You no longer notice them, but they’re there, fuck!n’ the hell out of your feng shui, the byproduct of moving, enthusiasm, youth, age, and time.
But for real. Who wants that kind of friend reviewing all of their best ideas and most tender dreams? Apparently, homegirl feels she has mental tenure and as such, has appointed herself to Chief Mistress of ‘I don’t give a fuck if you’re happy.’
But to believe that nothing good ever lasts comes at a grave cost. It’s to look at your feet while standing in the presence of the pearly gates of your destiny. Your marvelous now. To believe such is to work against the very nature of the universe and as such, will cause you suffering. It will cause you pain.
How will you see what awaits you if you never look beyond the noise of your mind? If you hang your head in anticipatory shame and doubt?
It was at this precise moment that I discovered Chief Mistress — the very source of my suffering related to a Costco loving man I like— that I received these two messages from men I love/d deeply.
Men whose love left me wondering from the most tender and profound centers of my being if I had missed my chance, if I had irreparably fucked up and now would be destined to adventurous solitude.
Men whose love showed me my own shortcomings, the dark crevices of my past where I didn’t know how to receive or be loved.
In that moment, God sent me a wink. A nod. A smile.
I looked at my phone this morning to discover a heartfelt text, more akin to a letter, from my former partner of 8 years,
“Life has a funny way of showing us things. Some things can’t be taught, you have to live through them to know what it’s like. When I first tried to move on from you it was impossible. Time and reflection made me realize that it’s not about moving on from a person, it’s about cherishing and embracing the eternal connection we have with that person. I believe in energy and our individual energies collided like no other for 8 years and that mixture could never be separated. If my core energy is blue and yours is yellow, my energy will forever be green now…”
Forever green. Like money. Like emerald. Like truth. Like greener pastures. I dig it.
At the same time (!), a lover I had wanted so much more time with sent me this, after months of not talking:
Two men I swore stole my heart, the ones I felt had gotten away, wrote to me at the precise moment that I realized true love endures.
The next love saga starts with you.
“You were right I’d love again. It had to start with me first. Thank you.”
I don’t know that we plan on or are prepared for the inexplicable connection that arises between two people.We prepare for it best in ways that are nonlinear in nature.
I didn’t begin to meet men I considered serious prospects until I learned to love myself. Cliche, I know. But loving yourself is very similar to loving another. It isn’t reduced to a singular promise, but spread out through infinite moments, across time, space and yes, destiny.
I had to show up for my best interests in the face of grizzly fear that told me I’d be alone forever if I put myself first. Then I had to learn to find joy in solitude, to choose it even. This was and is ongoing.
It was when I began to find joy in my own company that people began to flock to my side. More and more I felt these men to be an added bonus to my own happiness as opposed to a dire necessity. Not so ironically, the quality of men in my life became better and better.
Love melts you, reduces you to your very essence, which of course is love.
I stand in front of this man that sees right through me all the way to the mystery that is the infinite, the feminine, the wondrous.
His stare makes me twinge, just a bit.
Why is he looking so deep, I wonder. Maybe he has a lazy eye or a staring problem.
I melt like butter on a hot day for a man that my heart runs towards, like a leashed dog overtaken with enthusiasm at the sight of a rabbit.
But he likes Costco, I moan.
And since when have you not loved a good deal, counters my heart.
Touche, corazón. Touche.