D11 Perverts don’t need bathrooms. They have your naked children all over Facebook.

A comedic take on gender neutral bathrooms.

This piece was inspired by a Facebook post/conversation. If it interests you, peep the original thread here. It’s also part of a 30 day, mostly-comedic writing challenge entitled Advice For The End Of The World. Receive all 30 days of humor here: http://bit.ly/1oRW0Sj.

Opening up bathrooms to transgender peoples is causing folk to lose their shit on the internet.

The usual rationalizations of God, country, and morality are rearing their familiar faces. This tag team already knew they’d be first-in-line for duty when a topic as juicy as poop and sex was on the stand. Thankfully, some of this magical trio managed to drag their asses from the Trump rally and head on over to Target.

So What’s The Problem, Really?

People fear that with the onset of gender neutral bathrooms, perverts all over are going surface, rush into bathrooms nationwide, claim an alternate identity, and set up shop to begin streaming innocent children urinating.

Missouri pops off the crazy party. This must be the first time a man decided to film women in a dressing room, because that’s never happened before.

Missouri pops off the crazy party. This must be the first time a man decided to film women in a dressing room, because that’s never happened before.

I can just see it now. Live camera crews of transgender pedophiles camping out in the handicap bathrooms preying on little girls and videoing them.

This is the most likely outcome — obviously — because every transgender person is also a pervert. God and Jesus proved it in testament lick my balls.

Gender-Neutral Bathrooms Are More Common Than You Think.

In my travels, I’ve been to many places where bathrooms are coed. The first time was in Cuba. While at first it seemed strange because I wasn’t accustomed to seeing a man in the bathroom with me, it soon became normal.

I found that men didn’t feel the need to hide their poops. For example, women don’t want to exceed 7 minutes maximum in a bathroom stall. One, we take forever to begin with. And two, it implies that you’re pooping, which is mark of shame and social faux pax for all involved.

[8 minutes go by.]

“What were you doing in the bathroom for 9 whole minutes Sandy?”
“Oh, well you know… I was praying to Jesus and shit.”

Dudes, though, gave zero f*cks about time spent in said bathroom stall. They also didn’t care about just letting ‘er rip. This liberated me from my own fears of noisy poops and I shit like Michael Jackson moonwalks.

Is It True That Men And Women Can’t Poop Together?

It makes sense that people are shocked when a guy walks into a bathroom designated for women. Women have been subjected to oppression for centuries and are just now awakening to rights such as boundaries, the right to say no and even ask for what we want. Now there’s a man entering a space that is supposed to be for women only.

And let’s be real, most women don’t want to shit in front of a guy.

But what’s an actual threat versus a perceived one can be two different things. We can live together while honoring the diversity of those around us; I’ve seen this by living in different parts of the world. But it begins with an earnest want for this to take place.

What Is The End Game In All Of This? Are Locker Rooms Next?

One can only hope. For folks-who-like-penis everywhere, I can speak for us all when I say we’d have saved many-a one-night-stands by having seen the goods before we tried ‘em out.

I’ve lived in meditation centers with optional coed showers and it was mostly normal and respectful except for the occasional weirdo.

The lack of perceived safety is not a result of sharing bathrooms. It’s a byproduct of awareness. The difference in how people act is less a result of the rule imposed as it is of how aware, conscious and respectful they are.

I don’t know that there’s a right answer. People want the right to choose and to say that only some can choose while others cannot doesn’t fly.

That is what we like to call oppression.

And no father wants to think of some guy hurting his daughter. Your concerns are totally valid. But transgender doesn’t mean pedophile.

Perverts don’t need bathrooms. They have your naked children all over Facebook.

You’re worried about Larry who used to be Yolanda from down the block when really, you need to be worried about socially awkward Uncle Jack.

Yeah, smelly Uncle Jack. Where does his ass sneak off to after Christmas dinner?

Most pedophiles are people who your child already knows, not a random stranger.

The vast majority of the abuse against minors is from either a family member, or someone they know such as a coach, teacher or church leader, according to Dr. Fred Berlin, founder and director of the Johns Hopkins Sexual Disorders Clinic in Baltimore. “This notion of the creepy stranger,” Berlin said. “That’s a rarity.” (Eric Niiler, Discovery News)

So while you’re posting endless pictures on Facebook and Instagram of your 5 year old in the bathtub, consider what doors of opportunity you’re opening?

The doors to bathrooms were always open.

Nobody locks a public bathroom unless it’s being cleaned, unless you’re pooping or getting freakay freakay with the janitor. But your child wasn’t born with his/her naked ass all up on my Facebook thread.

You control that.

The problem isn’t that we’re bringing everyone together, it’s that we separated them to begin with.

We aim to create solutions for problems without properly identifying their origins.

We blame Larry when really it’s Jack.

And it’s not our path to hate or eliminate Jack. What we fight we ultimately reinforce.

It’s to awaken. It’s to open. It’s to learn. It’s to take right action from a place of peace and empowerment.

So save me the talk of the opening doors to potentially have your child filmed or fondled.

You’re the one filming him/her and as for fondling, start with where no one is looking. Our breakthroughs are often where we least expect them.

Uncle Jack yo, Uncle f**ckin Jack.

Where’s the Uncle Jack in your life?

Advice for the end of the world.

Shit in the parking lot of Target to avoid YouTubers and angry conservatives arguing in the handicap stall while your little girl poops.

[This is part of a 30 day, mostly-comedic writing challenge entitled Advice For The End Of The World. Receive all 30 days of humor here: http://bit.ly/1oRW0Sj]