D6: Canadian God reflects on the end of the world.

April 11, 2016

Dearest Moses,

Jesus and I got high the other day and uploaded some shit to YouTube.We may or may not have implied there was an upcoming apocalypse.

Kinda in a crisis here, eh. People think it’s the end of the world on earth. They’re freaking out, converting to Judaism and trying to grow their chest hair.

I know what you’re gonna say. Don’t go on the internet with Jesus when I’m high.

Whoops.

I feel I can confide in you, Moses. We’ve been in existence for a long time. But seriously, who do they think made April Fool’s? It wasn’t Santa or Jesus or that crazy bitch Mary.

It was me.

Canadian God.

So on a day I created for the foolery of all of humanity, they want to go and freak out over a little video that went viral.

Yes the fire scenes are legit.

Yes, Jesus’ cameo may or may not have added to the current human meltdown.

He really wanted to be on camera again and you just don’t know what’s gonna be a hit.

Jesus is a crowd pleaser for sure.

Look at the bible. I wrote it, high. Then one day the apostles, best known today as the paparazzi, got a hold of the rough draft and voila — they’re all over that shit.

They say humans make Canadian God in their image — well what the f*!k kind of image is that if I can’t produce a YouTube video on my favorite day of the year?

I’m just a regular, hockey-loving, gender-queer God in the sky.

I’m an artist.

I can bleed fake blood.

I paint clouds when I’m feeling sad.

I smoke weed with Jesus.

And I feel so misunderstood amigo.

I can’t just sit around and make flowers all day and shit. I want to use the internet.

“No one puts baby in a corner…”

Remember that movie? I practically wrote that damn line and yet here I am, limiting my highest form of self-expression.

Baby is SO in a corner.

Moses, I don’t know if you realize this, but I’m kind of a big deal.

And I want to use the internet.

Mary wanted kids so we had, of course, just shy of 10 billion. But humans are such a sad bunch of mofo’s. One little the-world-is-going-to-end-video and the whole of humanity believes it.

Lighten up, eh.

Jesus makes one cameo and you lose your shit.

Advice for the end of the world: Don’t believe everything you see on the internet.

Laterz,

Canadian God

[This is part of a 30 day, comedic writing challenge entitled Advice For The End Of The World. Receive all 30 days of humor here: http://bit.ly/1oRW0Sj]