Sometimes I don't know which way to go
I feel as if over these past few months, I've transformed into a new person. Maybe in many ways I have.
It would have been cool to have turned into one of those trolls from the early 90's. Or maybe Storm from X-Men. But alas, I am left, it seems, with a lighter, bubblier version of myself. No gem in my tummy or super powers that allow me to control the weather...yet. In place of those things:
I have a new name.
A greater sense of peace.
A new business.
A new YouTube show.
And I've reunited with my pup.
Shit, I'm even dating on Tinder (wtf?!).
And yet, growing up and into the people we are, toward the destinies that are awaiting us, well, it doesn't seem to eradicate the fear. I must have missed that memo.
I don't care how old I get, I still get scared. I still question what I'm doing and still, by the grace of the gods, leap forward, chin up and arms extended as if I could fly, only to find that wait... I can.
I've got me some f*ck!n wings!
And yet, in the face of success, it seems that the fear gets bigger still. What gives? I thought that at some point we "arrived", and then life was biscuits and gravy, Popeye's style.
I did something really bold this past week.
I told a person in my life that it wasn't working out. I didn't think they valued my time and I no longer felt the interaction to be pleasurable.
Boundaries. There was a time in my recent past that I held onto everyone and let go only when circumstances forced me to.
But what kind of life is that? If we are both the creators and recipients of our destinies, then to me, we have some sort of steering power. We can turn left or right. We can speed up or slow down and I think, we're given signals as to which action is in our highest good.
I held onto it all!
Clients I loved, but that drained me.
Homes I loved, but that didn't support my emotional needs.
Boys I loved, but wished would show up the way they promised.
Cities I wanted to love, but that just didn't feel right in my gut.
I loved them all. I still do. Do you see the paradox there?
The boys, the clients, the city-scapes of dreams never fully realized.
And yet, the love of something does not necessarily mean it serves our highest good (tweet it). We can, in fact, love from a distance. Truth is, you've got to cut the shit out of your life that doesn't serve your highest good.
Yes, you're worth that much.
Sit on that for a second.
Sit with that bad boy for a good while.
You are worthy of a peaceful existence.
And if you're wondering how you're going to launch that side project, dream-on-the-side of yours, realize it will grow to be a reflection of who you are in this current moment.
That no matter the love or toil, she will grow to be an extension of you, and that which you allow into your life. Your well being trumps the project, the guy, and the dream.
Because a happy then comes from a pleasurable now.
What they only kind of tell you in the days and years leading up to that moment of commitment, of realization and of snowballing abundance, is that it's scary as shit.
In the span of a week, I moved to Montreal, Quebec for what will be a couple month stint. Semi-spontaneous, intuitive decision.
I brought on clients to build and launch their websites from scratch.
Over the course of a month, I shot and edited daily, then weekly, videos for my YouTube channel.
I realized that, wait a second, my YouTube show is picking up. Shit.
It's happening. It's really all coming together.
And that in general, people are noticing the changes I've undergone, in a welcoming way.
As if by some mystical force, I'm being delivered to my own destiny, the one I've been praying for since I was a very young child.
For those of us used to laboring over everything...
When you're on your path and you're taking care of yourself, it somehow seems that the universe does a lot of the added labor for you.
Now don't get me wrong.
I work. Showing up is part of the deal.
I produce content daily, both for my clients and myself. It's more than a full-time job, but it doesn't hurt the way it did before. It excites, delights, and yes, scares me.
It scares me to realize that we can have what we desire, to realize, slowly but surely, that the universe is kind and that we are powerful beyond our wildest dreams.
Do you believe that? Can you sense the depths of your own greatness?
"Oh you can't make yourself stop dreaming of who you're dreaming of. If it's who you love, then it's who you love." - John Mayer
I fall in love everywhere I go. I fall in love with places, people and my own, at times vain, imaginings. And I've realized that I can't control who or what I love. It's just not worth fighting myself over.
But, I can gently and lovingly let go of that which doesn't serve me.
I can love from a distance.
And it's my responsibility, my duty, to honor the beatings of my heart. To do what I came here to do.
Everything else is secondary.
And I can only honor that vow when I first honor myself.