Are you really hard on yourself?
It seems that in the midst of hunting down our dreams a la Zena the Warrior Princess circa the late 1990's, we run up against ourselves.
We seem to be our own worst critics. And it isn't our true self that's mean; it's this record that plays on and on in our heads.
The record that seems to get louder and meaner and even more sinister as the stakes for the project at hand increase.
In this week's episode of #AskJuanita, we dive into the essence of what being hard on yourself really means. Why is it that we sometimes feel more comfortable in havoc than in pleasure, and what is at the root of wanting to flee from the good in our lives?
I wrote this to a friend, just yesterday (unedited):
Friend: Why do you run away sometimes?
Me: hm. Because to love this much and potentially have it not work out, feels like the biggest heart break of my life.
and I've had my heart broken lol.
and this is the practice. to let love, to let be and to stand in the power of being present, awake and alive while letting it be. while not running. while just being here, now, and trusting.
I love with my whole heart. My projects, my clients, people in my life. and it brings me up against things I haven't forgiven, old beliefs that no longer serve me and truly, on the most human level, believing I'm worth it. That I can create for myself what I help create for others.
This is a spiritual practice. I'm starting to think that everything is lol.
I don't know why I'm telling you any of this.
Friend: because I asked you.
Because he asked me.
I wanted to run away from the kind, confrontational nature of the question.
Sometimes, it's as if we're left in a room with only ourselves and our story.
The story being that we're not good enough, that we can't possibly realize our dreams, that love is something left for fairy tales, and a million other thoughts that don't serve our happiness.
Lately, with all that's going on in the world--Syria, Patricia the hurricane set to hit Mexico, #BlackLivesMatter, the election of a new American President--there's an overall sense that things are changing.
I can't pretend I care about things that just don't seem to matter.
It's increasingly painful to fake anything (yes, that too), and the world is commanding more of us.
I can sit here and tell you that your purpose is the most important thing since sliced bread. On some level, it's true. It's important that you awaken from this global slumber. I don't know how much longer we can go on sleep walking.
But if that isn't motivation enough to dive into who you are, then maybe service is. There is a global landscape around you which needs your help. Your wisdom. Your helping hand.
Animals, our oceans, our brothers and sisters in Syria, the homeless man you pass everyday on your corner.
And yet we run. We close our eyes to the pain of the world and sometimes, if we're really honest, quantify who deserves help and who doesn't.
My friend asked me why I want to run away...
Because when confronted with both the magnitude of possibility and simultaneous pain before us, my heart bleeds.
Sometimes it's so intense that I feel like crying and then laying in that big puddle that just poured out of me, searching for some sort of answer.
And the fact that I may try and fail and that maybe, just maybe, having something like a YouTube show is trivial in the face of what's currently happening.
At one point in my life, if only for a brief second, I may have tried to convince myself that helping a company sell more Doritos might've been a worthwhile endeavor.
It might have been seen as prestigious, even, in some circles.
College Degree. Summa Cum Laude. Job at a known, reputable company. Security.
But what security is there in the midst of global warming and political upheaval?
I don't give a flying f*ck if more people eat Doritos.
But I give so many f*cks for your heart, for your purpose here on earth and for the state of our own lives.
Are you happy?
Are you well?
Have you laughed today?
Be gentle with yourself. Take off the immense pressure to be anything other than who you are. Because from that place, you will discover all of the action and motivation you will ever need.